The Man I try to be

I try to be the man my daughter thinks I am. She looks at me as if I’m capable of anything. Despite my faults, I’m her hero. The gap between who she thinks I am and who I am in reality is where the work exists.

I’m messy. Just ask my wife, I drive her crazy. I look at my goddamn phone too much. I can be sarcastic to the point of angering others. I have lofty goals that often remain figments of my imagination.

My faults are many. Most are easy fixes. Pick up your shit. Put away your phone. Don’t be a dick. Keep your promises to yourself.

I am a dad of two. And while I felt it before, it’s become more immediate after my son was born a short while ago. I had let myself go.

Too much screen time. Too much trash food. Too many bad things. Too little of good things.

What example was I setting for my daughter? I want to be the model for what she seeks in a partner when she’s grown.

If she looks at me and sees a slob that never does what he says, how will that affect her? When she’s in her twenties and dating, will she accept a lower standard because of me? That thought scares me. It scares me to the point that I need to set a better example.

I want to show her that she should expect her man to take care of himself, to keep his word, to show love and kindness. That men can be manly without putting on a show. Showing her what a good husband is by treating her mom with respect and love.

And in the long run, I want to model for my son what a good man is. A valid question, what is a good man and how does he carry himself?

What is a good man?

Many men think manly means strength, their capacity for violence and money. They look at that as the only things, or at least as the most important.

My view of being a man is a lot broader. A good man is helpful. If a friend needs help, they step up. He’s kind to those around him. He treats women and other men with respect. A good man receives respect based upon his character, but never demands it. A good man remains calm. A good man shows discipline through his actions.

I want to model all these traits for my son to see. To understand that being masculine can be many things. I want him to be able to say that his dad was always there for him. That he values his dad’s advice. That he looks to his dad as how he should be.

But have I lived that life?

No. I’ve been slacking.

It showed on the scales. During the last year, I’ve ballooned. It was a difficult year with many highs and very deep lows. Without thinking about it, I had let those lows lead to bad decisions. Eating too many pizzas or justifying why it’s okay for me to eat a bag of chips. One too many beers.

I trained during this period. But I’m the prime example of not being able to out train bad food habits. There is a history of being ”big” in my family. I have had a fear to end up there myself. Because getting out of it means a hard fight. One that many lose. The scales scared me because, being honest with myself, I had started moving fast against a future I do not want. I got mad at myself. What the fuck was I doing? I don’t want to end up in the same situation.

I have no desire to be ripped. But damn. I don’t want to become fat either. I needed to change. To get back to good habits I had built. Meditate, exercise, minimize junk food, cut low-value entertainment (shorts anyone?).

I have a history of making grand statements of my plans. Looking at the scale, one thing was true. I clearly failed at making 2025 the year I became the fittest I’ve ever been. My progress to be consistent with my writing was achieved. If my goal was to write almost nothing.

My plan this time needed to be different. My goals were the same. I wanted to write consistently. I wanted to exercise. To meditate.

But when I reflected on my previous failures I realized something important. My issue was I wanted to do too much. I wanted everything to be perfect. Meditate for at least 20 minutes. Writing an hour a day. Exercise several times a week.

My failures showed me that I was setting the bar too high. Maybe I could be able to write for a long time in the future. But it was time to be realistic. I have a day job. I have two kids and a wife. What little time I have to myself needs to be divided amongst these activities.

It gave me a simple solution. I kept the aim, but lowered the stakes. I know, it’s a radical approach.

Keep the aim, lower the stakes

How does that look?

I swapped my goal to meditate for 20 minutes to be 5 minutes. 5 minutes is something I can find every day. It allows me to be consistent. Which is a lot more important than having 20 minutes logged every now and then.

Same goes for writing, my goal isn’t to write each day. Not even to write for an hour when I do it. No. My bar has been lowered. If I write 3 days a week, for 5 minutes, that’s a win.

I know. The bar has been lowered like crazy. But that changed everything. Winning is an awesome feeling. And I’ve been a winner since making the change.

I’ve heard being consistent is the name of the game. That’s what I am now. Previously I saw such changes as shortchanging myself. But what’s worse? Lowering the bar and thus being able to follow through or having ambitious goals by never achieving them?

I did it for me. My confidence is high because I keep my word to myself. That change and feeling isn’t to be underestimated. I love it.

Am I perfect? Fuck no. But to be honest, who is? We are human after all.

These changes take me towards being the man I want to be. To be the example for my kids.

While I’ve never been a dead-beat dad, I could evolve. As a dad, as husband and as a man. That is a worthy aim to have in life.

I want to show my kids how a healthy life is lived. Not obsessing over a career. Being loving to one’s family and towards oneself. I’m well on my way to doing that through these rather simple changes.

Our kids are watching our every move. How we talk, how we act. That’s a fact. Let me give you another. Many of us, including me, can step up our game. Each day, I take a step towards the man my daughter believes me to be. That feels awesome.